Today I woke up feeling like Gollum. I told my partner as much, and he politely said, "You shouldn't think like that," as he tried to hold back a chuckle. Deep down, he agrees.
It is impossible not to. Thin silver strands venture out of my scalp. A persistent eye infection has plagued me for 3 weeks and has now migrated from one eye to the other.
Neuropathy makes my movements awkward and slow.
I don't feel sad about looking like Gollum. I feel more amused. I do wonder what my precious is. Is it life or simply health? Is it too greedy to live so... I want to say, "desperately"? But I think the more appropriate term is "instinctively."
What is my true greed here? Maybe to imagine that life after this will return to how it once was. Or the illusion that life can currently be lived as I once did.
I think I have expressed this before. As grateful as I am for benefiting from the best treatment available, there is something unsettling about napalming the whole body to take control of a smaller region. Of course, a region that if left to its own devices would wreak havoc on the rest of the body... But it still feels like killing a mosquito with an atomic bomb.
When nature reemerges healthy (?) and unincumbered, like in Chornobyl... I will be vindicated... in my greed.
